The theme song of being lost at sea
Lost....lost within the sea of the mind's eye I was. Movies passing me along like buoys without any urge in my soul, in my heart, in my loins to speak on these said films. Along this passage of time were some really good hits like Coup De Torchon and L267. A Bertrand Tavernier double feature if you will. Then to maintain the balance, there was the bad shit like Jurassic World Dominion.
A strange time of existing for I was beginning to lose more and more hope that nothing coming across my eyeballs would be able to pull me out of this trance. For no matter how hard I stabbed my finger into the typewriter.....the words refused to come to existence.
Nothing.
Leaving the page within the typewriter that I would then translate digitally be nothing more than just a useless blank sheet of paper. Lost as sea until the one day I found something floating along to bring me back. To spark the fire within the soul, to shock the heart to start beating once more, and to bring the itch to the loins back from impotency. What came along was something that I had forgotten had even existed and most likely, the rest of the world has forgotten as well since it was first released.
It was a copy of the Larry Bishop film Hell Ride and what caught the interest was the words Quentin Tarantino presents shoved into my face without mercy on top of the title of the film. I knew then that it was my destiny.
The EXACT DVD Cover
Prelude To Showtime
Biker movies. My experience with Biker films? Near zero. I've been meaning to catch up with the genre but haven't gotten around to it being that the only way to commit to such a genre is to be on the lookout for the VHS copies floating around for exuberant prices.
My knowledge of biker films? Just a little more than zero. As far as I can remember through the crevices of this brain, Easy Rider was probably the film that really kick off the genre to super duper status. Some other movies came along with the Roger Corman produced flick The Wild Angels keeping the genre going strong. Also, just for reference, the The Billy Jack series started out with a Biker movie called The Born Losers and thus ends the history lesson.
So lets play hypothetical; I'm a movie watching kind of guy that has 0 experience with the genre. I enjoy the motion pictures but I can't watch old movies because they're old. I have no other good reason but that's good enough for me apparently. I want to watch a Biker movie but I'm too fucking lazy to actually get into the genre and I have a shitty reason to not watch old movies so I look for the most recent releases within the Biker film genre. Then again…I'm terrible at the Internets so I am only able to find 2 movies that fit the genre.
Dear God No!
and
Hell Ride
Now looking at these two posters from the mindset of a unlicensed genius, I would go for Dear God No! as my choice. Why? Because it doesn't look safe and that's what the vibe of a Biker film should be. Like I'm gonna get my own ass kicked just watching this mayhem. Though I must admit that I do have some collusion with my choice being that I had read issue 12 of Ultra Violent which has an interview with the director of Dear God No!: James Bickert.
Here's a terrible picture of a terrific cover to a fantastic magazine
That guy sold me on the movie and so I have made an order from Germany to pick up a copy since I can't find one in the states. When I mean I can't find one I mean that EBAY is the only place and the copies being sold are around 50 bucks plus for a Used copy and Amazon Germany told me that I could buy this movie brand new for cheap but what those German fellows didn’t mention was that it was a Super Special Edition. The details regarding this Super Special Edition will be mentioned later.
But this hypothetical movie watching man is that of a movie watching man that doesn't divulge from the safety net of the mainstream and so when having to choose between the 2 films, the only choice that is both safe and assured is that with Quentin Tarantino's name on the cover and so the show begins.
The Movie
It's not that great. Nor good. Nor so bad its good. Nor enjoyable. Nor fun. It's just a bummer. There's a plot revolving around a dead woman and a rival gang with the conversations that the characters have being double, triple and possibly quadruple talk to sound as cool as possible to the complete detriment of the audience who can't navigate through it and have to end up sitting back and realizing that these Biker gangs seem to consist of complete idiots fumbling around a "plot" for 83 minutes.
There are some high points. The choppers, excuse the hip lingo, are pretty cool though there isn't enough screen time to really show them off. Vinny Jones as the main antagonist is pretty great but any director letting Vinny Jones go wild with the material, regardless of how subpar it is, is always fun to watch. Dennis Hopper shows up and he's always fun to watch. Then....that's about it. There is truly nothing else remarkable about this film beyond the fact that there was so much support for it to be made.
Now...Why?
I couldn’t really understand the film and so the only logical next step was to re-watch the film with the directors commentary. Bad news there is that I still don’t get what the fucking picture was about but there was some insight in the commentary. The biggest nugget of gold being the fact that Quentin Tarantino had bestowed the responsibility of making the greatest biker movie onto Larry Bishop.
Now, in all fair and honesty, Larry Bishop seems like a really cool guy. He seems to be on the level and his intentions were genuine in his journey to make the greatest motorcycle movie but man does it seem to just miss the mark at every corner.
What a shame what a shame and all I can blame is the man producing.
The QT Effect
Now, as the hypothetical man with no taste, I have just seen a film that has disappointed me. Or maybe I was half watching it with one eye on the movie and the other on the endless feed of random AI algorithm interests on the smart phone. Either way, the movie has been watched and it wasn't good and I am now trying to understand how Quentin Tarantino has failed me but I only wonder for a couple minutes before traveling back onto the endless loop.
For the overthinking movie man, there is a conspiracy here. One that tingles the toes and feathers the hair and I am on the verge of discovering the strange but I do not believe that this is the time nor place but it must be uncovered...in the future.
The Other Choice
Dear God No! is an American film that comes all the way from Germany for my viewing pleasure. Though when I started watching it…I knew immediately something was wrong.
Now before I continue, I must give a word of caution. This film in particular is a very rough and tough kind of picture. An extremely low budget affair all around compared to the other films being mentioned even though all these films are low budget films. What this films strives for in its own existence is to be more of a self-aware type of Biker film in that the actions being committed are so extreme that they reach a point of absurdity. Even so, what I write next will sound peculiar outside of this context.
There was a mention of a rape scene that kicks off the film. The motorcycle gang are taking it out on some nuns and I see none of this. Instead, the film starts off with a man’s hand revving a motorcycle and then from there, a van explodes and then credits. The movie keeps playing and the strangeness keeps growing at every opportunity. The extreme violence and sexually explicit moments seem to be turned off instead of ramping up like the interview had promised me. The wave of bummer keeps crashing into me as the movie keeps going and then the movie comes to an end with the not so bloodiest moment to end it with.
All in all, its alright from what I saw. The components for a good time all seem to be present what with the Outlaw Bikers, Sasquatch, Frankenstein Women being resurrected by evil Nazis. It's all there and yet disappointment couldn’t helped but be felt until I realized that the problem came from the fact that I had ordered the Super Special Censored Edition of the film. Practically every scene that the movie was worth watching for was non existent or cut out. Colour me disappointed and now I begin the hunt for an overpriced copy. Will review again when a legit copy comes across my way. But then again, I also believe this particular copy of the film to be a bootleg.
A censored bootleg though…what a shame. Only such strangeness can come from the Germans. The bootleg claim I make comes from the fact that is that on this copy of the film has another biker film called Run Angel Run! available for watch on the same disc.
A 2 for the price of 1 situation and so that eases the disappointment but its pretty obvious to see that neither film has anything to do with the other. I did give that film a watch and its overall…pretty cool. There’s a dude by the name of Angel who goes on the run after giving a cover story to a magazine about his gang for 10,000 bucks. The gang starts chasing him and his old lady throughout the film and there’s a pretty great ending to it though it didn’t have the big kick it should have had but nonetheless, a good Biker film. Not as rough and tough as the previous film but truly enjoyable.
Overall, this other choice is a good choice with the inclusion of a bonus choice but I wish I can commit to it than just recommend it. Especially the uncut version of Dear God No! which remains to be seen.
A Solid Choice
After watching 3 different Biker films, I still felt a need to watch a couple more examples of the genre to truly feel as though I can mark up some type of opinion. Run Angel Run! gave my minds wandering eye a good insight that I must go to the past for the present doesn't offer much at the moment. Or maybe I ain't looking too hard. Anywhoo, I went to the past and came across a film called The Savage Seven.
Now that's a pretty cool poster
The only legal means for this film to be seen is by finding a VHS tape since I don't believe there is a legit copy of the film on DVD. I wasn't going to pay an exuberant amount for the film on VHS and so I came across the sketchiest website on the darkest of web and wouldn’t you know, it’s another German based site. Those crafty motherfuckers. It took about a months time before the bootlegs arrived and I was ravaging for a chance to get a sight of what I paid for.
The Bootlegs In Question
The bootleg itself seems to be a VHS transfer but its a decent VHS transfer overall that was burned onto a DVDR, so no real complaints. Now then, hows the film? Its pretty great. The plots not the most interesting or one I can remember at the moment but the characters themselves and their interactions with this derelict town that's being run by this company and the residents being stuck there is fascinating to watch.
A real duality with the bikers all throughout, especially the main character. They show up on the scene like a bunch of raging assholes and then they turn good for the townspeople to really accept them but then they go back to being raging assholes for a bit then they ease up a little more.
Its a real back and forth until they sell out to the head of the company to burn the town down for cash, or I think that's the plot? Then the town folks hear about them trying to run them out and the film ends with this giant brawl between the two. Some gnarly looking stunts and just complete mayhem all around and its just a fantastic ending in which nobody truly wins. It’s an ending that truly warms the heart just like E.T.
The Solid Choice
Now with this film installed in my movie watching brain, I am now feeling far more comfortable in being a top engineer in the field of biker movies. 4 different films watched but I realize that these are all American biker films. Giving birth to the question; Is there something beyond the Americas? The searches on the Internets have lead me down the path to a documentary entitled; Not Quite Hollywood.
Absolutely Fantastic
A documentary about the Australian film industry that doesn't include any of the artsy fartsy films. One of those particular films being mentioned was a Biker film and though it doesn't seem to have much remembrance in the states, the film manages to transcend distance and has become a great love to those that actually ride motorcycles. Tarantino makes a guest appearance within the documentry a couple of times and goes about this film in particular by explaining his love of the film and so now as a movie watching genius such as I, there is hesitance inside of me. Nonetheless, I demand Biker films and this one is next. And now the real question; What is the name of this Australian Biker film?
STONE
Now this is something FANTASTIC. It has some real great looking funky ass shots that leave you disoriented within the first 5 minutes. The reason for these great looking funky ass shots? The story is following the point of view of a Gravedigger motorcycle member who is tripping balls. The trip keeps him tripping and it all builds up to him being a unknowing witness to a political assassination.
Then the opening credits come along and one by one, members of the Gravediggers motorcycle gang start getting knocked off with the best for last as a biker is driven off a cliff and SPLATS into the ocean. The bikers have a funeral procession which is just absolutely fantastic with at least a hundred bikers following behind the lead bike carrying the casket in a side car. What a procession. They reach the graveyard and Doctor Death, the Gravediggers Lead Occultist, asks that Satan take care of their fallen comrade and the cops gotta get to the bottom of this so they send in Detective Stone to solve the mystery behind the murders.
Stone goes the opposite way and instead of going undercover, he tells the gang straight up that he just wants to follow them but the gang ain't having it. Last thing they need is a cop babysitting them so they invite him in the gang but only on a superficial level. The movie goes on with biker fights,races, and just looking cool all around until they find the killer but Stone won't let the Gravediggers have their Bikie Justice against the man that's been killing them.
Spoilers up ahead so be wary because that ending is just the greatest.
Stone solves the case and hangs out with his chick at his place when all of a sudden, the front door kicks open and the Gravediggers pop in. Stone seems to be nonchalant about the abrupt entrance but then the Gravediggers start beating the shit out of the guy. Kicking and stomping the guy to near death and then leaving without a care in the world. Stone is beat to shit and his girl makes a move to call up the police but Stone stops her. Tells her that this is the way it is and the movie ends on that note. Stone maybe a cop doing his job but when he's in a gang that lives by their own rules, he understands that he got what he deserved.
And so....
I have only seen just a few of these Biker pictures but I can see myself digging into the genre beyond just the 4 I have seen. Maybe the more into the past I go, the more genuine of a film I will find. But then again, this was just a genre in which people were making the picture to make some monies so maybe Genuine is too too too strong of a word.
Maybe a better word to be used is....Pure. I say Pure because even though the motive is money and to make it a sleazy good time, there is a sense of the older films being Pure in the lack of self awareness. There are no winks to the camera or anything to make the filmmakers betray the notion that the characters are anything but raging assholes. Realism isn’t the goal but the sense of Purity is strong.
EPILOGUE: I have found the shore now. No longer lost but now on sure footing. As to the destination though…I still do not know for certain. What is for certain though is that I need to get back to watching some more movies and writing into the void for the void offers no joy but a laugh here and there makes it far more bearable.