The Journey Through The Time
I have seen Rambo take his fifth and final blood with Last Blood. He did not go out in a whimper though I can’t entirely say he went off with a singular bang for there were several bangs in the form of gunshots, explosions, Mexican cartel henchmen screaming in pain, and the banging of the beating heart as Rambo tries to get it out of its chest cavity domain.
What can be said is that the ending of Rambo as a character, having lasted throughout the years to come to this conclusion, was reminiscent of a wet fart.
Imagine now, finding yourself in a situation among peers, a jovial time between you all, and you feel the fart of the century come along. Knowing full well that you felt this type before, in those few precious times in your farting career, and nodding in self congratulation that it happened to be the most suitable for this particular situation; the silent but deadly variety of fart. Something you could release secretly out it into the wild and wait in comedic anticipation for the first friend to get a whiff of. For that explosion of laughter to come from the depths within is what you desire and so you wait.
And Wait.
Waiting but you start feeling some trouble in trying to get this toxic gas out of your asshole but you think to yourself
‘I know my body’
And so nonetheless you go on. Anticipation on the final results clouding your reality of what you have seen and experienced time after time to farts similar to the brewing gas in your ass but something goes awry
At first attempt, something more starts to follow along the toxic gas. You get scared. Fear rises. You try to take control but its too late. The force of the toxic ass gas is too strong to hold back and so you have no choice but to let it happen. It happens. It smells but no longer is it silent but it becomes the truest form of deadly.
Deadly for the air, your reputation among your peers stained as the man who passed poo, but most of all there goes the pants.
For you know that what came out is something that will stain through your pair of under wears, no matter which one you chose to wear, and through your jeans. Too afraid to wash and receive recognition as a poo poo pants man from your sisters, brothers, your mother, but most of all your father.
This is the experience and total result of a movie like Last Blood. And now we go back to Rambo 4 or known as The Rambo Unleashed or simply just Rambo with a fresh pair of the underwear but no pants. Cannot risk losing another pair.
Coming Attractions
Whats to say? Anticipation on what I was getting into was at an all time low after that fifth movie. Sure, Stallone looked real jacked on the cover and the lines on his face made him look to be a hundred, with all fairness being that he could still kick my ass all the way to the moon and back, but what was there to be excited for?
I looked through the movies on the shelves at the local video store and paid my 3 dollars and change for the rent 2 get 1 free deal. It might have been a free rental since alongside that film I also picked up the other Stallone film Cobra, which for all intents and purpose is a masterpiece and I couldn’t figure out how to write anything but praise for it.
The other film being the original Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston screaming ‘Damn you!’ at the end of the film. I’d say it was a good triple feature but nonetheless, Rambo Goes To The Hague is the film I set out to write about and dammit that’s what I’m going to do. Force myself to watch an entire series of films that are questionable in quality the more you fall into the Rambo hole.
Your Feature Presentation
And so it begins.
Burma. Burma seems like a real shitty place. The news footage they shove in my face supports the notion that Burma is the worst.
A film by Sylvester Stallone.
Army truck full of civilians and soldiers in a jeep drive up to a rice paddy field.
I remember this. This is the only part of the movie besides the not head punching scene that I remember. Civilians running through a mine field rice paddy field. It's only the beginning of the movie and this is the only part I remember. Around 87 more minutes left till its over.
Civilians don’t win the race.
RAMBO title screen.
Rambo theme song. No vocals just the horns and slick acoustic guitar.
The jungle. Snake wranglers looking for those Cobras. An old, buff, and out of place Stallone with a red headband is along the cobra search party. He catches one and they meet their quota.
On the boat ride home, Rambo fishes the only way he knows how…with a bow and arrow. OF DEATH. First shot is the kill-shot and dinner is set for the night. Monks on a passing boat get a free fish. Rambo seems super chill in the jungle. The only place that feels like home.
I like this opening and seems like a pretty good way to show off what the character has been up to after fighting Russians. Besides the fact that he doesn't have the resources to keep his mullet curly, Rambo is making a living in the jungles of Thailand by snake hunting.
Group of American Church Going Missionaries show up and try to rent Rambo's boat. They tell Rambo their liberal agenda of going out to help the Karen people in Burma but Rambo says they ain't changing nothing without some guns.
Argument occurs between Rambo and the Main Church Goer with Rambo winning by yelling ‘Fuck the world’ as he walks away.
American Liberal Woman tries to get Rambo to take them up river but he tells her to go home. Then it cuts to him forging away at something. Weird collision of images.
Then cut to Burmese soldiers rounding up children to turn into soldiers while killing and burning down the Karen tribespeople. Burmese Army boss is a real shitty person.
Sweaty Rambo fixes his boat then leaves to his hut but sees that American Liberal chick sitting in his boat. She tells him they want to make a difference. Rambo says go home, you ain't going to change shit.
Set in stone is the Rambo opinion of life. She turns around, pouring rain I might add, to say that he still has to care about something.
‘Can't change what is but saving a life is wasting a life’ is what she says. Or something like that. She changes The liberal agenda changes Rambo's mind.
He looks bored out of his mind driving the boat up river with these annoying ass American do-gooder’s. We learn that Rambo is from Bowie, Arizona then gives his back story. Not going into detail about taking a small town hostage, rescuing POW’s in Vietnam, or fighting Russians in Afghanistan. He just says 'it's complicated', and basically doesn't have much of a reason to go home.
They ride the boat into darkness. Burmese pirates partying it up and so Rambo tells the loud American liberals to go silent to avoid being spotted. Silent cruising speed activate and it looks like they made.
Aw shit, the pirates are no longer partying. They chase the Rambo boat which leads up to Rambo negotiating time.
He remembers the acronym that the government taught him long ago;
ABSPITH (Always Be Shooting People In The Head)
Burmese pirates with guns drawn out tell them the deal about the river being theirs. They want whatever they got. Aw shit, they saw the American Liberal Woman. They want her but Rambo ain't going to give her over.
Rambo quick draws a pistol, you don’t see how it was holstered in his back but the idea that his muscles have been flexing this entire time to hold it in place is a good train of thought, and shoots every pirate on the boat following ABSPITH then executes one guy with three more shots to the head.
Rambo choke holds a liberal who was berating him about killing river pirates when they themselves wanted to stop the killing.
‘Who are you!’ Rambo screams at him while keeping his choke hold strong. Letting him know the real deal about what the pirates would have done. Shit looks bleak but still these goddamn liberals want to go into Burma and help. John Rambo knows its a bad idea but he never could think for himself and follows direction. They keep on traveling up the river and arrive the next morning.
Burma. Rambo gets berated by the liberal he choke slammed that taking a life isn't necessary even though it was technical necessary for Rambo to quick draw and kill those pirates that were going to kill them. The woman says a shitty goodbye and gives him a token of appreciation. A cross? Looks about right.
The missionaries walk through the mountains and Rambo travels back home. Ransacking the pirates he killed along the way. Pouring gasoline over the dead pirates and their boat then lights the shit on fire. His shitty boat driving slowly away as their boat explodes.
Missionaries pass out food and conduct medical exams on the Karen townspeople. Pushing their religion jive on them and it all looks like a real propaganda piece that everyone in the world could get along with one another. American woman looks over the wounded people and all is well.
SURPRISE MILITARY ATTACK!
Mortar shells start dropping. Buildings explode. Then people. Body parts are FLYING! Soldiers run in and start killing with their AK-47's. Little boys and girls are the first to get shot and bayoneted. Explosions! One explosion causes one of those Liberal Missionary Men to fly in the air with two legs missing. Flamethrower starts burning people. Machete’s start slicing off arms left and right. Soldier pry children away from their mothers and throw them into the flamethrower fire. Shitty Army boss man and his Jeep comes by on the other side of the camp with the 50 caliber locked and loaded. They start mowing down everybody trying to escape.
Emotional music moment to let the viewer know what they see is something really sad.
Rambo senses tingling. Rambo dreams of the previous three movies plus his Vietnam experience. Montage of violence with the final image being of the alternate ending of the first movie where he gets killed. Would have saved all of us from the next 4 movies.
The pastor leader of the Missionary Liberal People shows up and wakes Rambo up from his black and white montage nightmare of the past 3 movies and Vietnam experience. The Pastor hired some mercenaries to go into Burma and get them back but needs Rambo to lead the way. Rambo agrees. Silently.
Scenes of Rambo forging a machete. Rambo Monologue.
"You know what you are? What you're made of? War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. The gods are never going to make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing."
End of montage.
On the boat they go with Rambo driving the boat once again. Bald British Mercenary guy starts complaining. This guy obviously sucks. The other British guy with hair is alright. The three other mercenaries are alright. Rambo just gives his Rambo death stare to the bald British guy. The boat ride goes on.
Base Camp for the insane Burmese army. Caged kids get the scraps they throw over the side from the soldiers eating at the mess hall. Whatever lands in the wooden cell becomes a free for all on what to eat.
American Liberal girl locked up with pigs staring at her from a wooden fence. Hungry pigs. Hungry for human flesh pigs. The other missionary guys are tied up. One of them looks up at the wrong time. He sure fucked up and gets himself picked to go against the pigs.
Bald British guy keeps complaining. Rambo keeps silent. Starts antagonizing Rambo. Rambo stares at him then spits into the river. Cool British guy is named School Boy. One of the mercenaries won't stop singing.
Burmese General looks through the wooden hut floor to see the American Liberal girl tied up underneath.
Rambo and Bald British guy stare at each other as the sun sets and turns the boat ride to a night time jungle cruise. They arrive at Burma the next morning.
Bald British guy keeps on complaining. The plan is to go in without engaging the enemy and extract them silently so they don't have to deal with the 100 strong forces. Bald British doesn't want Rambo off the boat. He hurts Rambo's feelings. Rambo will remember this.
The Mercenaries make their way through the jungle. Passing by a World War 2 bomb that never exploded then hiking pass a cave then finally reaching the site of the massacre. Everything and everybody left to rot. Bodies left to rot, heads on pike, and dead people hanging in the burned out village. They argue about leaving but the Bald British guy says for them to keep on going.
SURPRISE ARMY CONVOY!
Round 2 of the villagers running through the claymore filled rice paddy field. Maybe this was the scene I remembered. Civilians run through the rice paddies in slow motion and ultimately they all make it to the end though much to the chagrin of the betting soldiers. One fires a round and tells them to run back now.
SURPRISE RAMBO ATTACK!
Bow and Arrow of DEATH shots to every one of them. With one getting shot in the head and landing on top of one of the mines that they threw then EXPLODING. Sick irony amiright?
Rambo negotiates with Bald British, following the tried and true ABSPITH, by pointing an arrow at the Bald British guy’s British Bald head.
‘Live for nothing or die for something.’ Rambo says to convince them.
The statement doesn’t ring true for these guys but I suppose they're willing to die for money so they continue on their journey.
Into the night, the soldiers are getting drunk and celebrating their massacre by watching a dance show from the women they kidnapped from the village. Army truck strategy. Drive in unsuspected and extract the prisoners. School Boy sneaks his way up to a tower and knifes the lookout. Army truck drives in without a problem. Mercenaries jump out and establish single person searches for the captive American Liberal Missionaries. Rambo rolls out last and starts looking.
Turns out the Army Boss likes little boys. A real sick son of a bitch.
Rambo finds the dudes from the American Liberal Missionaries tied up but then notices the missing one nearby. He lost the good fight against the man eating pigs and is currently getting his legs chewed off.
Drunken soldiers are getting rowdy and start slapping the asses of the girls on stage.
Soaking Wet Rambo, its pouring like crazy, makes his way to the girl. Running around with a machete.
Drunk soldiers get on stage and throw a girl into the crowd.
Confirmed: The Army boss likes the little boys.
Drunk soldier gets a knife to the neck. Drunk lieutenant goes for the American girl as Rambo reaches her. Drunk lieutenant takes her away and Rambo runs across the background. Bald British says they gotta go and leave the Rambo behind. Rowdy soldiers reach the pinnacle of being shitbags.
Rambo RIPS OUT THE LIEUTENANTS THROAT to save the American Missionary woman.
Drunk guys walk away from the celebration they were having as Rambo and the Missionary Liberal Woman escape. School Boy shoots two guards that were about to kill Rambo and the Woman. Making one of the guards head disappear.
The General lets the little boy go in the morning and most likely ruined his life for the rest of time. Sunrise. The soldiers find out that the prisoners escaped and that the lieutenant got his THROAT RIPPED OFF.
Rambo, School Boy and Liberal Woman run to the boat as the soldiers get together and are on their way to hunt them down.
Cue Run through the Jungle by John Fogerty.
SURPRISE BOOM!
Bald British guy steps on a landmine and blows up his right leg. Now he’s got even more to complain about. The American Liberal Missionary doctors go about doctoring up his leg while those Burmese soldiers start their run through the jungle. Everyone is running on from screen left to right then right to left.
Rambo decides to go solo to get the Burmese soldiers to track just him. All he needs is a claymore and a piece of the American Liberal woman’s shirt to throw the hunting dogs scent off. School Boy fires off a shot and Rambo starts his solo run.
Cue Nowhere to Run by Arnold McCuller.
Rambo runs 40 miles per hour through the jungle and sets a booby trap using the claymore and ripped t-shirt at the WW2 bomb. The soldiers run to it as Rambo continues his running away at 40 miles per hour. These soldiers are some real dumb dumbs.
WW2 EXPLOSION!
The force was such an explosion that it sends a CGI dust storm throughout the entire jungle. School Boy and the Woman stop at the mountain pass where they overlook to see that everyone that made it out of the camp first is getting stomped out by the boat. Stomp stomp stomp stomp. The General That Loves Boys watches the stomping and likes what he sees. Bald British Guy keeps complaining. General stick attack. Surprise Stick Entry into HIS OPEN LEG MUSCLES. Things are looking bad as the soldiers line up to execute them.
Nothing we can do is the feeling in the air but obviously they haven't seen the last 3 Rambo movies.
RAMBO SNEAK ATTACK!
He uses a machete to cut off the head of the gun mounted soldier then locks and loads before shooting a 50 CALIBER BULLET POINT BLANK at the drivers head then he turns his attention towards the other soldiers and starts firing. The bullets flying start CUTTING OFF LIGAMENTS AND BODY PARTS.
Final Action Scene Activate.
Bald British guy gives a headbutt of death. Redneck mercenary stabs someone to death. Rambo 50 Caliber Attack continues. Grenade explosion. School Boy and his 50 Cal sniper rifle starts messing fools up. People are dying and getting killed. 1 Mercenary gets killed. Rambo reloads. Shit Bag General on the move. Surprise shot kills one of the American Missionary Men. Rambo is out of ammo. He reloads to continue his shooting. Main Liberal Missionary Man gives in to his killer instinct and gives a soldier the Cain Special by beating him over and over again with a rock. Mortar fire from Karen rebels gives Rambo enough time to start killing again. Body parts continue to fly. Machine guns continue to fire. Body parts. Diddling General runs away while his soldiers die in gratuitous ways.
Burmese Army boat arrives on the scene with a flamethrower. Rambo redirects fire but gets hit. People get lit on fire. Rambo gathers his inner muscles and flexes strength back into his body to keep on firing the 50 cal. Killing an entire army truck full of reinforcements for the Burmese soldiers. School boy shoots the head off the gunner on the boat. Rambo sees the Shitty McShit Shit General run away.
‘Not this time you child diddler.’ Rambo says. He doesn’t actually say this but I figure its what was going through his mind at that moment.
Rambo give him the classes knife to the stomach. Then says something that I couldn’t make out and the General is then DISEMBOWLED. Bad CGI as he rolls away with his intestines following behind but the idea is there.
America wins again.
Rambo looks over all the killing he's done and nods in approval. Heartfelt music to let you know that it was all justified. The Missionary Liberal Man’s name is Michael and he is happy to see that the woman made it out.
Looks like they truly did help Burma for the better what with Rambo and Company killing the enemy army single handily. Who knew all they needed was a 50 Caliber to solve the conflicts of a 3rd world country.
Rambo tries to emote but is unable to do so. Walks away into the jungle. Time passes with Rambo now hoofing it back in America. No more red headband for him. Just an all natural look as he reaches the R.Rambo mailbox. Horses on the field and it looks like he finally found a reason to come home.
I couldn’t be able to figure out what that reason is but I assume that since the unsanctioned massacres in a foreign country by American citizens is a big no no, at least non military executed campaigns, that he is now a wanted war criminal and that the best place to hide is in plain sight.
Credits roll as he walks down the only road he's yet to travel.
Oh the American Liberal Missionary Woman’s name was Sarah. Who knew?
Whoa
What the fuck did I just see? But before I answer that I must answer the far more important question; how the fuck could I not remember the insanity that this movie had to offer? Let us dive into the memory banks to that weird year where another idiot had finished his run as president; 2008.
I was a wee lad. The almost legal age to do something legal that was only illegal with the 1 year age difference. Like vote. This was a time where that supposed fast blast up your ass internet was just around the corner and the digital Fascist state of Netflix was still yet to emerge and kill. What this all means is that if you wanted a movie but didn’t want to buy it then you had to go to the Blockbuster.
Blockbuster. A place of true melancholy. VHS was on the decline and they were ridding stock as fast as they could. If I was any smarter, I would have dug through and tried to find something worthwhile but then again, it was Blockbuster. They wouldn’t have the real Mom and Pop offers such as the international and domestic exploitation films or the pseudo documentary films like the Mondo Caine films or the Faces of Death series.
For you see, it was about this time that Blockbuster had destroyed the Mom and Pop rental stores and in doing so got rid of the one joy that every underage boy had which was to grab a sneak peak of the ADULT section where all the brutal sexual fantasies were listed under hardcore and softcore pornography. All right there for your viewing pleasure and only just a red curtain away. A vision in gold.
Back to Blockbuster. They were getting rid of their VHS and were full into the DVD revolution. Everything was DVD. Even the old movies were DVD. Which was cool because I could catch up to what I was missing for it was only a year or so ago that I happen to see THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME and from that point on was on the hunt for as many movies I could see. Even ordering some via Money Order to a site that no longer exists but during its existence, I did get some good ones.
(Post advertisement of Xploited Cinema)
Back to Blockbuster. Rambo The Blood of the Fourth. I rented it. I saw it. Then I must have returned it soon after and forgot about it. End of 2008 flashback.
The Present. 20XX.
What the fuck did I just watch? I couldn’t answer the more important question so now I gotta answer this. I think I watched a movie that tried to say something and ultimately said nothing of interest at all. Seems to be a common thread throughout these pictures.
What to Make of This?
You ever see a movie that has a message? Something important that had to be said? Me neither except for maybe Robocop.
But whenever a movie has a message that it wants to get across, it never succeeds in just delivering it and letting it be. It can’t just be in plain sight. It has to make the effort to let you know that the message they were getting across was an important one and the only way for a dumb-ass audience member like yourself to get it into your shit for brains brain is make it as plain as possible.
In Rambo, the message is loud and clear. Burma is a real shit place and if you believe in God then you better be ready to get martyred or die for the cause. At least that’s what I got. But not only does the film have a message, it has an answer. If you have enough guns then you could solve the problem. It’s that simple.
But then again, the message maybe loud but it sure isn’t memorable. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw people exploding and babies being thrown into the fire and watching it now I couldn’t answer why I couldn’t remember that insanity and then I realized that in due time that I’ll probably forget it again. The movie tries to shock into the horrors of today but its done in the fashion of an old exploitation movie way that it becomes null and void in the mind as memorable. I don’t know what else to make of this.
Is there decent action? Yeah, I guess.
Is there a decent story? Not really.
Was the movie necessary? Not at all.
And Then There Were 3
Goddamn are these movies not worth watching. I’m getting tired just writing this but goddammit I have to know. I have to know what happened. If anything. Probably nothing happened. Just producers and Sylvester Stallone having to make another mortgage payment by milking out another film. I don’t know what to believe in anymore. It just seems that movie goers are just idiots but then again idiots are just people and if there is one certainty in life its that everybody is a fucking idiot. Some more than others.